A Kind of Giving

by Purrbot

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1.
Keep saying "I'm afraid to say anything" And you will lose the use of your tongue Before you can say a thing You'll be a sorry sight And after all, If you chased him away With one amorous saying You'd be happy he ran if that was so scary But it IS scary! A kind of giving of one's weight An opening Of gates once thought rusted shut And we can go go go or move slow And we can nap on the couch for hours Or dance til two Never felt so new as now never knew I had it in me to begin with You are the kind I could rewind And watch 12 times over And we can go go go or move slow And we can coo and whisper or laugh loud And sleep til noon
2.
02:56
I am not afraid of your body And you make me less afraid of mine You and I We are warm And sometimes this becomes red hot Two white hot suns I want to kiss you something fierce I want to make you make Those noises you make I want to always remember Your feet My feet Holding each other Like hands When we sleep Your back to my front Or face to face, Hooked, tangled arms and legs, Laughing fits, Kitchens Where we dance or better Two monkeys in a barrel I am not afraid of your body And you make me less afraid of mine You and I We are warm And sometimes this becomes red hot Two white hot suns I do miss you something fierce I am in this for the long haul Ambiguous parting and all I want to not be scared Of being happy Or in love
3.
You in your overalls Me in my tight pants You argue freedom And I see them as a symbol of how much I was willing to budge in the past I thought, "If I cannot move I cannot make the wrong one. If there is no room, nothing will slip in without permission" I see you as a sign Of things going right Things are looking up And I am looking into the sun Crying but not unhappy You in the pictures we take I look like a stranger in your life With your arms around my side Our smiles are not staged And our faces are red From my sandpaper scruff And deep kissing And rough housing I see you as a sign Of things going right Things are looking up And I am looking into the sun Crying but not unhappy
4.
Even though all is so well Should I warn you This place used to be Ten thousand leagues under the sea Then it was desert at best Nothing left Now it's prairie So to warn you would be more Of a false alarm I refuse to cry wolf, throw a wrench I am such a reluctant luck dragon And you are so cool In and out of your armor I'm so often locked in mine I am floored A new rock bottom Leaps and bounds above the last Guess I've paid my dues as last I refuse to cry wolf, throw a wrench
5.
02:36
I'm not so bad off Look at what I've got I thought I could ride this good Out of this ghost town I thought wrong I come back here without fail I am numb where people feel fire I feel fine here There is something to be said For the familiar I fear I will never admit The level of my commitment The degree to which I am in this It is easy to feel off-base To get mired here I am tired of knowing this Inside and out You have been my way out I come back here without fail I am numb where people feel fire I feel fine here There is something to be said For the familiar
6.
See, if I stay put I will be left before I can leave So why wait, right? Who blinks first In the stare contest? And in the secret language Of road markings and signs and signals And lights It was said: Go Go And see what Watch And see what Have a kiss even though My jacket smells like smoke A true love fantasy always going Never staying put Pipe every-day dreams
7.
02:08
My instinct to flee Before being fled Is on a hair trigger Be careful where I step If tripped, would I then high tail it? I want this intact After such an impact as you've had I am a stunned hummingbird Tiny in your hand Just go Go and get it over with Tear off the band-aid With one swift motion Might as well start healing now Why wait? But it would not save me The grief of losing he who saved me From deep, deep sea
8.
Defenses back up I am backing up from The ticking time bomb We've so lovingly set together My heroine is my mother Adept at being made stronger By what doesn't kill her I am parallel to her now I said: Watch how it begins That is how it will end And I will miss you in the interim Between when you leave... I'll show you indifference I'll show you distance It's an unfortunate strength I have ...And when you come back We can share preludes Compare and contrast And we'll see what we'll keep And what won't last and what we'll lose Defenses back up I am backing up from The ticking time bomb We've so gingerly set together I'll show you indifference I'll show you distance It's an unfortunate strength i have I'll show you patience I'll show you growing up and over it I'll show you recovery If you show me new beginning
9.
There are things I got from you I will never lose I hear you in how I laugh I see you in how I am I bit my dry lips Thought of how you're not here to wet them Who will hold my hand? There is no stand in Or worthwhile replacement Who will be patient? Who will measure up? Who will help me sleep? Who will kiss me? I finally feel beautiful And it's all your fault I used to be so used to being alone But I've gotten used to you And I can do anything now I am yours to command Who will hold my hand? There is no stand in Or worthwhile replacement Who will be patient? Who will measure up? Who will help me sleep? Who will kiss me?
10.
01:03
(Instrumental)
11.
01:58
I vote No more girl-crazy boyfriends I'm done being the first foray Into foreign territory I seem To have peaked your interest And we got it out of our systems Too much Too fast Too soon Run scared Tails between our legs Hands holding our heads I know this game too well I play it like a pro Ma's right I fall in love too fast It leaves me high and dry No sound save hue and cry
12.
02:51
Without you I sat there shouting A telephone left off the hook In red Surrounded I wore blue To see what would be let loose The hounds or my mouth But what could I shout That wouldn't get me struck down Or socked in the mouth What have I come to What've I been reduced to The sum of what youth is left Still born still warm Got knocked off my last leg, what now? Now that the unsure future Is sure to stay to lure you away and out What then? WHAT?

credits

released May 7, 2009

Written and Produced by Nathan Wade Carter
Recorded, mixed and mastered by Dave Van at Penguin Studios
All instruments, art, and design by Nathan Wade Carter
(c) 2009 Nathan Wade Carter

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about

Purrbot Portland

Nathan Wade Carter (he/him) is a queer, grey-a, non-binary poet, musician, & artist living in Portland, Oregon. His chapbook is ROYGBIV (Ursus Americanus Press 2017). His poetry can be found in Hobart, Fugue, Gramma Poetry, Poor Claudia, The Fem, & others. He is the editor and founder of SUSAN / The Journal. He writes & performs songs under the name Purrbot. ... more

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