A Kind of Giving

by Purrbot

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credits

released May 7, 2009

Written and Produced by Nathan Wade Carter
Recorded, mixed and mastered by Dave Van at Penguin Studios
All instruments, art, and design by Nathan Wade Carter
(c) 2009 Nathan Wade Carter

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about

Purrbot Portland

Nathan Wade Carter is a queer, grey-a poet, musician, and artist living in Portland, Oregon. His poetry can and will be found in Heavy Feather Review, Horse Less Press, Poor Claudia, Powder Keg Magazine, The Fem, and others. He is editor and founder of SUSAN / The Journal. He writes and performs songs under the name Purrbot. He is recording a new album called DNR. ... more

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Track Name: A Kind of Giving
Keep saying
"I'm afraid to say anything"
And you will lose the use of your tongue
Before you can say a thing
You'll be a sorry sight

And after all,
If you chased him away
With one amorous saying
You'd be happy he ran if that was so scary
But it IS scary!
A kind of giving of one's weight
An opening
Of gates once thought rusted shut

And we can go go go or move slow
And we can nap on the couch for hours
Or dance til two

Never felt so new as now
never knew
I had it in me to begin with
You are the kind I could rewind
And watch 12 times over

And we can go go go or move slow
And we can coo and whisper or laugh loud
And sleep til noon
Track Name: Red Hot
I am not afraid of your body
And you make me less afraid of mine
You and I
We are warm
And sometimes this becomes red hot
Two white hot suns

I want to kiss you something fierce
I want to make you make
Those noises you make
I want to always remember
Your feet
My feet
Holding each other
Like hands
When we sleep
Your back to my front
Or face to face,
Hooked, tangled arms and legs,
Laughing fits,
Kitchens
Where we dance or better
Two monkeys in a barrel

I am not afraid of your body
And you make me less afraid of mine
You and I
We are warm
And sometimes this becomes red hot
Two white hot suns

I do miss you something fierce
I am in this for the long haul
Ambiguous parting and all
I want to not be scared
Of being happy
Or in love
Track Name: Things Are Looking Up
You in your overalls
Me in my tight pants
You argue freedom
And I see them as a symbol of how much
I was willing to budge in the past
I thought, "If I cannot move
I cannot make the wrong one.
If there is no room,
nothing will slip in without permission"

I see you as a sign
Of things going right
Things are looking up
And I am looking into the sun
Crying but not unhappy

You in the pictures we take
I look like a stranger in your life
With your arms around my side
Our smiles are not staged
And our faces are red
From my sandpaper scruff
And deep kissing
And rough housing

I see you as a sign
Of things going right
Things are looking up
And I am looking into the sun
Crying but not unhappy
Track Name: New Rock Bottom
Even though all is so well
Should I warn you
This place used to be
Ten thousand leagues under the sea
Then it was desert at best
Nothing left
Now it's prairie
So to warn you would be more
Of a false alarm
I refuse to cry wolf, throw a wrench

I am such a reluctant luck dragon
And you are so cool
In and out of your armor
I'm so often locked in mine
I am floored
A new rock bottom
Leaps and bounds above the last
Guess I've paid my dues as last
I refuse to cry wolf, throw a wrench
Track Name: The Familiar
I'm not so bad off
Look at what I've got
I thought I could ride this good
Out of this ghost town
I thought wrong

I come back here without fail
I am numb where people feel fire
I feel fine here
There is something to be said
For the familiar

I fear I will never admit
The level of my commitment
The degree to which I am in this

It is easy to feel off-base
To get mired here
I am tired of knowing this
Inside and out
You have been my way out

I come back here without fail
I am numb where people feel fire
I feel fine here
There is something to be said
For the familiar
Track Name: The Secret Language of Road Markings and Signs and Signals and Lights
See, if I stay put
I will be left before I can leave
So why wait, right?
Who blinks first
In the stare contest?

And in the secret language
Of road markings and signs and signals
And lights
It was said:
Go
Go
And see what
Watch
And see what

Have a kiss even though
My jacket smells like smoke
A true love fantasy always going
Never staying put
Pipe every-day dreams
Track Name: Hair Trigger
My instinct to flee
Before being fled
Is on a hair trigger
Be careful where I step
If tripped, would I then high tail it?
I want this intact
After such an impact as you've had
I am a stunned hummingbird
Tiny in your hand

Just go
Go and get it over with
Tear off the band-aid
With one swift motion
Might as well start healing now
Why wait?

But it would not save me
The grief of losing he who saved me
From deep, deep sea
Track Name: I'll Show You
Defenses back up
I am backing up from
The ticking time bomb
We've so lovingly set together

My heroine is my mother
Adept at being made stronger
By what doesn't kill her
I am parallel to her now

I said:
Watch how it begins
That is how it will end
And I will miss you in the interim
Between when you leave...

I'll show you indifference
I'll show you distance
It's an unfortunate strength I have

...And when you come back
We can share preludes
Compare and contrast
And we'll see what we'll keep
And what won't last and what we'll lose

Defenses back up
I am backing up from
The ticking time bomb
We've so gingerly set together

I'll show you indifference
I'll show you distance
It's an unfortunate strength i have
I'll show you patience
I'll show you growing up and over it
I'll show you recovery
If you show me new beginning
Track Name: It's All Your Fault
There are things I got from you
I will never lose
I hear you in how I laugh
I see you in how I am
I bit my dry lips
Thought of how you're not here to wet them

Who will hold my hand?
There is no stand in
Or worthwhile replacement
Who will be patient?
Who will measure up?
Who will help me sleep?
Who will kiss me?

I finally feel beautiful
And it's all your fault
I used to be so used to being alone
But I've gotten used to you
And I can do anything now
I am yours to command

Who will hold my hand?
There is no stand in
Or worthwhile replacement
Who will be patient?
Who will measure up?
Who will help me sleep?
Who will kiss me?
Track Name: Recess
(Instrumental)
Track Name: Hue and Cry
I vote
No more girl-crazy boyfriends
I'm done being the first foray
Into foreign territory

I seem
To have peaked your interest
And we got it out of our systems
Too much
Too fast
Too soon
Run scared
Tails between our legs
Hands holding our heads

I know this game too well
I play it like a pro
Ma's right
I fall in love too fast
It leaves me high and dry
No sound save hue and cry
Track Name: Off the Hook
Without you
I sat there shouting
A telephone left off the hook
In red
Surrounded

I wore blue
To see what would be let loose
The hounds or my mouth
But what could I shout
That wouldn't get me struck down
Or socked in the mouth

What have I come to
What've I been reduced to
The sum of what youth is left
Still born still warm
Got knocked off my last leg, what now?
Now that the unsure future
Is sure to stay to lure you away and out
What then? WHAT?